that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
