Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
The power of my boobs compel you
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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