I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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