I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
