The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
