I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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