I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
