I wish I could teleport
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You smell like stripper and shame
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
