Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
