Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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