I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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