i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
