Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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