I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
