i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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