omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Boobs are out for the taking
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
