Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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