You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
