i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
