you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
