I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
my phone needs a breathalizer
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
