she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
