I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just had sex on a roof
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
