im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
