i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
