made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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