I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
