Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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