I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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