the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
