Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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