dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Your cock deserves a montage
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
