i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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