Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
