I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You ruined the universe
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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