fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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