saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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