WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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