Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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