Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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