Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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