His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
