I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Randomize
