come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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