Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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