I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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