I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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