I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
