You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She needs sedatives and a leash
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
