What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We left an ass print on the piano.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
