wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
